Time for the Pre-Op Meltdown

I am home now from my pre-op and having another mental breakdown.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting for my surgeon's clerical person to bring out my paperwork and while I was sitting there, I watched every single sick, disabled, old, 300 lb person walk by. It was depressing and really made me mad. How the HELL can I have cancer?? I have worked my ASS off to get healthy again after never being healthy in my life and now I am really ill? How the fuck did that work out? That's what is really getting to me. I have done all of the right things and I have cancer. I know it wasn't for not, I know I had to lose weight and still need to lose more but it is like I am being
punished for what I did in the past. Really? REALLY? I don't drink , I don't smoke, have
never done drugs, have had two sexual partners and now I have cancer and get to be poked
and tortured? Congratulations on all of your good decisions, you are FUCKED!

I don't want to do this. I'm to the point where I don't even believe that I have cancer. I think they are wrong. Dr. M is wrong, Dr. S is wrong, the pathologist is wrong. How can I be 28 years old, healthy and HAVE MOTHERFUCKING CANCER??!!

Last night/this morning I had my first nightmare since this whole mess started and it was obviously related. I was in the hospital and it was being surrounded by bad guys, like robbers or something, but they were all dressed as firemen. There was a doctor with me (woman, blonde) and we hid. It started to look like we were in the clear; I was trying to get out and this guy in a red shirt was helping me. It turned out he was one of the bad guys and pointed a gun at me, but he didn't shoot. He kept pointing it at me and I was running and I kept bracing for him to shoot me but it didn't happen, I just kept running and expecting and finally I made myself wake up.