Depression Settling In

Depression has really settled in; my shrink being in Australia until after I
go back to work has left me completely fucked. I'm not too happy with her
at the moment; she didn't even give me the name of an alternate person to
talk to.

I've read so much. I've read medical textbooks about thyroid cancer, other
books about coping emotionally, tons of stuff on the net, etc. I'm all
researched out I think. Dr. M and I have not had a conversation
about what will happen after the surgery. I think it all hinges on what
they find so he doesn't know yet. He is supposed to see me when I am in
the hospital, I don't know when or what will be discussed. This is part of
the problem with what to expect when I wake up. If I have to have a neck
dissection (because of the lymph nodes) I may not be able to lift my arms
above my head ever again and may have shoulder pain the rest of my life. I
do weight training, I love it, and one of my favorite moves involves my arms
way, way, over my head. Nevermind I won't be able to reach up to shelves,
hold my kid up if I ever have one, etc. But I won't know until I wake up
if this happens.  I'm really, really, really struggling with this aspect.

I am something of a control freak. Intellectually, I know we aren't as in
control of what happens to us as it seems. But I still think that I am in
control, so I am struggling so hard with this uncertainty and realizing
that I have no control over what happens on Monday. Whatever is in my neck
is already there right at this moment. I know going into this depressed is
not good for my recovery. I'm trying to pull myself out, I watched Beavis
and Butthead earlier and it didn't help.

I'm also totally overwhelmed.

I'm trying to create a communications plan so everyone that wants to be
informed, is informed. But then there are complications like this person
can't come see me at the same time as this person because they hate each
other and can the baby come into the hospital too or is it bad for her?
Um, why don't YOU call the hospital and find out?!   No one is stepping up to
help me basically and it is probably my own fault for acting like I don't
want help and that I can handle it. Well, I can't.   At the same time,
I detest dependence.  I don't want to call someone and tell them I need
help cleaning my apartment in preperation for when I come home because I am
too depressed to do it myself.  This is one of those few times where I wish
I was in a relationship. I've read so many stories of cancer survivorship
and nearly every single one details the neverending support of the spouse,
who kept the house clean, cooked the food, paid the bills, blah, blah,
blah. What about the single people?  Who helps us?