The Need for Personal Alignment

I am having another rough day.

I am so fucking alone.  

I am used to being alone, taking care of things myself, and not being a burden to other people.  It usually isn't that big of a deal.  

Right now I just want someone to take care of me.

Sometimes I don't even feel like I am on the same planet as everyone else.  No one touches me besides my doctors.  I get cursory huge from my friends but that is all.  Oh how I wish some guy would touch my body sexually!  I feel so utterly out of sorts, like no one understands me.  Sex, or even just foreplay, would align me with someone else and it would be so divine just for that reason.  Last night I thought that alignment was going to be mine in the form of someone I have had my eye on for a long time, but no.  It was the same elliptical bullshit I've come to expect from this particular man so I went home alone and cried.  Again.  I was more pissed off about the missed alignment than I was about his stupidity.

I had another nightmare, this my first post-op nightmare.  It was Sunday morning; I woke up too early and made myself go back to sleep.  In the nightmare I was on the table with a blue sheet in front of my face and this feeling that I was "stuck," like I couldn't move.  I could see the medical personnel and I was talking (I think that I was anyway) but they were ignoring me.  I forced myself awake and just kind of vibrated from fear for awhile before I forced myself out of bed.  I have to admit that when I went to bed this morning/last night I was a little afraid.

I am a month post-op, btw.  I've gained a pound and my gym closed early today and I forgot.  I ate a bag of Hershey Kisses with Almonds between yesterday and today, feel totally fat stalled at 205 and kicked my expensive scale into the bathroom wall this morning.  People keep telling me how thin I look, but I think it is crap, just like when they say my scar isn't noticeable.   No wonder I can't be honest with anyone because they sure as hell can't be honest with me.