Now What?

I'm having a tough time today. I feel really sad and irritable. And alone.

I'm supposed to just bounce back and get on with life, right? Yipppeeee, I'm a cancer survivor and now I am going to kick life's ass and go out there and get everything I want!!! Right? I'm strong, and stoic, the hostess with the mostess.

I'm not.

I do have a different perspective on life now, what I am and what I have right now isn't what I want ultimately. I knew that before this happened, now I know I have to do something about it. But that isn't what I am struggling with today.

I'm just so alone. I like seeing my doctors because we are war buddies now, you know? Like Dr. M. I don't have to pretend that I don't have cancer because I'm there to talk about having cancer with him! Everyone else puts the kibbosh on the cancer talk. They'd rather talk about my father and how he had to have his foot amputated last weekend. You know it's bad when your friends choose to talk about an amputation over cancer! And if I talk about I am causing it or making it worse. I am just supposed to act like it's nothing. Cancer is a mindfuck, no matter where it is, what kind it is, or if your treatment is easy or not.

And "moving on?" I feel like something is still hanging over my head. Sure, Dr. M has deferred on RAI for now but that could change. I'm having blood tests at the end of June and then he might want to do it. Or when I see him next for an ultrasound, that could be it too. I'm just waiting for the hammer to fall!

Meanwhile, I am back at work. It is boring and not what I want to do with my life. I have looked at other jobs but I am afraid of losing my sick/vacation time. I have a big fear about that right now.

I have plans though. I am going back to school to try different classes to see what grabs me so I can start again. My current job does not. My history degree and failed attempt at getting an MA, do not. I'm not on this earth to be an office drone! Maybe I will be an archeologist...that's what I am going to try to be this month. Or a seismologist. I have always been fascinated by earthquakes. All I know is I want to be a scientist. I'm smart and inquistive enough. Someday my years fundraising at a large university will be looked back on like a bad dream as I do something cool elsewhere.

And I keep fantasizing about Dr. M. I love to try to figure people out, especially men I am attracted to because usually I am drawn to them for all the wrong reasons. I've never liked a doctor before so naturally I am assuming he is a raging pervert. What kind of person dedicates their lives to examining necks? He is still in my head and I admit I keep pouring water on that weed. I admit that it has no basis in reality but I hope in some way it is helping me through this.

I swore I would never be one of those people who think every little pain is cancer. I've had ovulation pain since Friday night that isn't going away and I am scared shitless because "OMG what if it is ovarian cancer??!" I have an appointment this afternoon to get looked at and NO, it is NOT with Dr. M!

As far as the post-thyroidectomy update, I am still swollen a bit and still in some pain on the right side. I am three weeks post-op. It seems like a long time now. The scar is raised, pink and obvious to me, but no one else seems to notice.