Perspective

So I have been able to stop thinking about myself the last few days, as a member of my family was in a bad accident. That's two things this month so I am now waiting for the third. I am superstitious! No one has died but it isn't good.

I have accepted an offer by my boss to go on leave early, so I am only working three days this week. I really want to clean up my apartment nice so that it is really clean and easy for me to get stuff when I come home.

I'm still reading a lot and having random freak-outs about my mortality. I had three panic attacks last week but they have stopped since the other thing has happened.

My sleep continues to be disrupted. The only thing that has helped me is to fantasize about my endocrinologist. It is not upsetting and helps me disconnect from the ugly realities. Plus orgasms are great stress relief and they always make me sleepy. I know my fantasies about him have no basis in reality. I think I am making it up as a distraction as well.

I am incredibly lonely. Many of the survivor stories I have read refer to a spouse and how wonderful he/she was through the whole thing. I don't even have a boyfriend or a f*ck buddy to rely on, let alone a spouse! I have never had a problem sleeping alone and I am not one of those women that have to be with someone. But it is so hard now, my body has malfunctioned on me and I feel so incredibly alone and isolated. I haven't had any contact with a man in over three years, haven't been on a date in five years. I'm pretty; it's not that I am ugly but I think I have emotionally walled myself off a little too much. I have what I have seen referred to as a "highly sensitive personality" and I have worked very hard to toughen myself up over the years but there is a difference between toughening yourself up and walling off yourself. I chose the wall. It's hard work keeping that thing up so I have basically put away my bricks and mortar for now. If the thing crumbles, who cares.